someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
time to smoke my breakfast
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
