i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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