I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
