3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
