I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize