just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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