I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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