I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Welp...herpes.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
