While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
