he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
