i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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