I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
