I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize