I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
