The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
