I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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