i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
