i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
