i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
