yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
