life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
