Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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