there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize