It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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