YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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