Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Text me some of your sweat
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