you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
