If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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