I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just blew my weed a kiss
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
