What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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