my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
PANTIES FOUND
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