apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
