I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
