jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
