Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
