imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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