found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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