He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
