K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We're using joints as your birthday candles
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
