My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
