In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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