she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
