he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
