Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
