I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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