ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
being pregnant is like rehab
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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