You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
