I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
