Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
