looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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