Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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