How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
