Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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