I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
