hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
