he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
