Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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