glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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