Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
