My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize