My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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