the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
